Pull The Trigger
by spinback
Summary: Gun? Check. One Bullet? Check. Four Drunk Teenagers? Check. One Unforgettable Night That Will Haunt Eli, Clare, Drew and Alli forever? Check. RATED M FOR UPSETING DETAIL. MATURE.
1. Chapter 1

*Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi, or Russian Roulette by Rihanna. I also don't own Backstreets back by BSB or the Youth Group song Jesus loves me.

*Summary: Gun? Check. One Bullet? Check. Four Drunk Teenagers? Check. One Unforgettable Night That Will Haunt Eli, Clare, Drew and Alli forever? Check. RATED M FOR UPSETING DETAIL. MATURE.

*AN: You might want to grab some tissue. This story came out of nowhere. I just needed to cry. I wrote it because I know, even though I am one of those teenagers who loves to drink, some times, drunken nights go bad. If I did a good job on this, I'll know when you all cry. I don't wish this to happen to anyone. Russian Roulette is not something that should be taken lightly.

*Warning: Mentions of suicide, foul language and a sad ending. You have been warned.

* * *

**Pull The Trigger**

**Alli's POV  
One shot, Maybe a two Shot.**

* * *

Can you hear me? Yes? Okay, lets get started then. My name is Alliah Bhandari. Call me Alli. I am 17, depending how you look at the current situation. Look at this picture. That girl sitting next to me, that's Clare. She's my best friend. We met at Degrassi Community School in the nineth grade. And that guy standing next to her... No not the one wearing all black, the one with the dark blue flannel, that's my boyfriend Drew. He was a junior when I met him at DCS. And the other guy you were looking at.. Ya, that's Eli, Clare's boyfriend. Drew and Eli were just about to graduate this year until tragedy struck. So, I guess that's my cue to start at the beginning.

Nobody would expect the four of us to do this. Well, actually, nobody would expect Clare to do this. You wouldn't know at a first glance that in the year that Clare and Eli have been together, she parties every weekend, but only with us. Every Friday night, Eli would go into the liquor store and get us the usual. Coolers, beer, the Captain and others. It always came to around $95. But this particular weekend, we wanted to try something new. We all got extra money, and gave it to Eli. We still got our usual, but this time, we also went to another store and got harder alcohol. But all of this doesn't matter, all you need from this is the fact that we were drunk out of our minds when it happened.

I was dancing to _Backstreet's Back _by BSB when I saw Clare rumaging through her giant bag, almost falling over after all those drinks. She checked to room for eyes on her. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she pulled whatever it was out, hid it under she shirt and made her way into the kitchen. I smiled toward the boys, who were sitting at the dining room table playing quarters, and slipped quietly into the kitchen. I found her hunched over the skin, sobbing. "Clare Bear? Whats wrong?" She jumped when I touched her back, and put her hands in the sink over the object. "Clare, what is that?"

I looked behind me, clearing the boys were still on the other side of the wall. When she didn't answer, I grabbed her wrists and pulled them away. "Alliah, No!" Her voice was nothing in the category of a whisper. "Clare Diana Edwards! Where the fuck did you get a gun!" I didn't notice the music has stopped until I finished my statement. Soon after the word escaped my mouth, our drunk boyfriends were standing in the doorway, dumbfounded. Eli was the first to opened his mouth, "Uh, Blue Eyes, where, um, who do you uh, where'd you get it?"

She explained she stole it from Fitz, she explained that she was scared of what he would use it on. When Drew checked, there was only one bullet. The device was placed in the middle of the dining room table. We all sat there, staring at it. After a few dozen more drinks, I lifted the shotgun in my left hand, "Y'know, we could play an interesting game with this." I recieved looks of shock from Eli and Drew. Clare, on the other hand, just looked very, very drunk. "I mean, one gun, one bullet, six shots, twist it everytime. Nobody will die." Just remember, this is my confession. My friends, they had nothing to do with what happened. You hear here, people, I suggested the stupid game. Russian Roulette. I couldn't predict the future. I didn't know this would happen to the four of us. Please, you all have to understand that.

Now look at me, I'm crying! Back to my rather sad explaination, and you have to listen, to everything. I know I talk a lot, but this is important. We were all drunk. We all agreed. Nobody was pressured, if someone didn't want to play, they didn't have to. We decided that we were going to tell a memory before we pulled the trigger. We positioned ourselves in a circle, or a square, facing our significant other. We settled that Eli would go first, he had the most guts out of all of us, then the gun would be passed on to the next person. We sat on the floor, cross legged, Clare was crying, not knowing if this was the end. "Before we start, we have to make one thing very clear." Drew's voice was shakey, I knew from that he was uneasy about this. "We have to promise that whatever happens, if someone does die, the other three say it was a suicide and we were forced to watch." More tears fell freely from Clare's eyes while we all nodded.

Eli picked up the barrel, playing with it in his hands while he thought of his favourite memory. He finally looked up, into Clare's eyes. "Remember when we first met, and I ran over your glasses. You two... God... I thought you were just horsing around in the street. But then I saw you're pretty, blue eyes, and that's when I knew. I knew I liked you from the start. And now look, you're everything and more to me. Without you, I would have died a very long time ago." He spun the holder, pulled the cock down, and placed the rim to his temple, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. Tears fell frantically from his girlfriend's eyes. When he pulled the trigger nothing happened. He dropped the gun and pulled Clare into his embrace, threatening to never let go. Then I lifted it, stared at it. Then looked at Drew.

"Drew. Where do I start? Of all the things we've been through together, the after party of my party was the best. The way you looked at me, the way you kissed me. You made everything better." I mimicked Eli's movements with the holder, the cock, placing it against my temple, squeezing my brown eyes. I took a deep breathe and remembered my mom, my brother, my dad, Johnny, Dave, Jenna and her baby, everyone. I pulled the trigger slowly, hearing Clare whimper in freight. My breathing stopped as the trigger came to a stop after the pull. I was still alive. I made it. The gun dropped and Drew pulled me to him, caressing my hair, and kissing my cheek and neck lovingy. I pulled back to see Clare had the gun in front of her, laying on the floor.

She looked her sad blue eyes from me, to Eli, to the gun. She took my hand in hers, her icy eyes couldn't meet my brown ones. A pain of sadness corrupted me as she spoke. "Do you remember when we were at Conner's house, working on the robot, and you wanted to look around so we 'went to the restroom' but ended up in Mr and Mrs Simpson's room, and you put that vibrator in my bag and the next day, Jane caught us in the bathroom looking at it." She placed a shy smile on her face when she caught Eli's look of astonishment. "Then, in class, it started going, and they called my mom. I still have it, in the small box in my closet. It's underneath the box labelled "Darcy" in the box labelled "Clare and Alli" but you have to pull the box out completely to see the label. If this bullet comes out, I want you to keep the box." Tears traced lines down her cheeks while she lifted the gun as she let go of my hand, twisted, cocked, placed and took a breath, closing her eyes. She pulled the trigger quickly, jumping at the sound of emptiness.

Drew wanted to get it over with. He stated that if he was the one to go, he wanted it to be quick. "Alli, on my bed, is the label from the day we became official. It was the best day of my life at Degrassi." His eyes never left mine as he toyed with the gun the way the rest of us had. Then, he was pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. Drew was still here. We all survived. Then I remembered. We said six shots. That meant Eli and myself still to shoot again, rendering it possible that either of us could die. Elijah Goldsworthy took the gun from Drew and placed it between them. He pulled Clare to his lap and ran his finger's through her hair, his head in the crook of her neck.

"Edwards, at Adam's secret party, I told you my wish had come true. I discovered for myself, laying in tht hammock with you, that I, Elijah Goldsworthy, want to spend the rest of my living days, with you by my side. There isn't anyone else out there for me." He sealed his promise with a kiss, and he pushed her away. In his mind, this was it, this was the end. He did his thing, fiddling with the nobs and gagets on the tool like a Bop It from the 90's. He put the gun to hs head once more, "I love you, Clare, so so much." He pulled the trigger quickly, but nothing. No blood, no brains. Just an alive Eli.

I pulled the gun from his hand and locked eyes with each of them. "I love you all. My favourite memory with all of you, is the time Clare found a gun, and we played Russian Roulette. It may not have been the happiest night of our lives, but we each found out something about each other. Clare, I found out you have a box full of all our memories, including the vibrator. Drew, you told me you care without saying those words. Elijah, you proved to me that you are worth everything Clare has to give, and you're willing to be there unconditionally. If this is goodbye, I love you. All of you." I wiped the tears from my eyes and placed the gun to my head. It was fate if the bullet was in the next hole. It's what God wanted. I ignored the sobs from Clare while I pulled the trigger.

And now here we are. I'm telling you the last two hours of my life while Clare stares down at my lifeless body in shock, my blood covering the front side of her body, and the living room floor. I'm sitting here watching Drew cry. Eli's punched a few holes in the walls. It was me. This is why you don't see me, only feel me, hear me, miss me. I wish I could say I live. But I don't. At least we were at my parent's house though, right? When they say you're life flashes before your eyes when you die, I'm telling you, the best parts of it do. I saw Clare, smiling and happy, I saw Drew, leaning to kiss me, I saw Eli the day we met, when he told Clare she has pretty eyes. He didn't lie. She really does. I saw Jenna holding her baby, Sav leaving for university, Johnny smiling, my parents hugging me, Adam smiling. Everyone I loved was there, then gone.

So look at this picture. That's me, the short Indian girl, the girl next to me, with auburn hair, that's Clare Edwards, she's wonderful, I'm really going to miss her. The boy in the dark blue flannel, that's Drew Torres, my boyfriend, my rock. I'll miss him too. And the boy in all black, that's Eli. He's the one who's going to help Clare through this. I just want them all to know, I'll always be here. I'll always watch over them. I'll always remember them. Tonight may have been a mistake. It may not have ended the way any of us wanted, but this is how God wanted it. And if anyone knows anything about what God wants for us, it's the girl who taught me everything I know about Heaven. Clare.

This might sound really dumb, but I am going to Heaven. _Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..._ Except, Clare told me that, and taught me that song. Crazy, right? I should have just spun that damn thing! But it's too late for what if. My name is Alliah Bhandari, call me Alli. I'm 17 years old. Or was. Depending how you look at it. My death was watched by my three best friends while drinking and playing Russian Roulette. I do not recommend you try that at home. Looking in the future, I can tell you that these three wonderful people will miss a great deal of school, going through witness accounts and therapy. Drew will give up, he won't drop out, but he won't accept anything from anyone. He'll be kept back a year, to be with Adam and Clare. Eli, who will stay behind a year by choice, will go through his guilt phases, like with Julia, only this time, he'll have Clare, who will pretend to be strong for the sake of Drew and Eli, but secretly, I'll watch her cry alone in her room, over the box of memories we made in our four years of friendship. She'll suffer the most, but she'll push herself to do everything she can to graduate with our class, everyone around her, besides the love of her life will never see the difference. They'll all think she got over it in six months, but Eli, Drew and I, we know the truth. This night will haunt Clare for a long long time.

* * *

*AN: I'm sorry if you're crying right now. I'm sorry if I just ruined you're day. In my original plan, it was only Eli and Clare, and Clare died. I figured that was too harsh. And it probably would have sucked. To my fellow Alli fans, I don't hate her, but I didn't want someone I hated in a sadfic. The point of this story was to make those of you who needed a really good cry, to cry. I'm on that boat. Please leave love. I promise, if I post a part two to this, it will most likely be Alli's funeral, jumping from Clare, Drew and Eli's POV's. Maybe even Adam, Jenna and Sav's. But I make no promises, as per usual.


	2. Chapter 2

*Disclaimer: I do not own **Degrassi**, or **Russian Roulette** by Rihanna. I also don't own **Death Of A Cheerleader** by marcy Playground.

*Summary: Gun? Check. One Bullet? Check. Four Drunk Teenagers? Check. One Unforgettable Night That Will Haunt Eli, Clare, Drew and Alli forever? Check. RATED M FOR UPSETING DETAIL. MATURE.

*AN: It took me forever, but here I am. An update at last. I'm not gonna lie, I'm excited to finally post something and for y'all to read it. So lets get to it...

*Dedication: This one is to all my readers, who probably forgot about me.

*Warning: Alli's Funeral. 

* * *

**Pull The Trigger**  
**Alli's POV**  
**Chapter 2 of 3.  
**

* * *

_She was so pretty, everyone said_  
_The more so the pity_  
_That she was found dead_  
_And now the flag only flies at fifty percent_  
_In the school yard where she once went_  
_Push 'em back, push 'em back_  
_Way back, way back_  
_B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E_

* * *

Drew, the love of my life. He's sitting in the second row form the front. Clare, my best friend, sitting beside him, his hand in hers. One the opposite side of Clare sits Eli. His hand covering Drew's in Clare's lap. With the things that they've witnessed in the past two weeks, I'm glad I left them with each other. All three of my friends' heads hang low during the service of my life.

My parents are sitting in the front row with my older brother. Mom's aching sobs are heartbreaking enough for me to want to take away all of her pain. If I could, I'd go back and not drink, not party, not use the gun. I'd go back and take away the mistakes; fix everything... I would live.

Dammit! If only I'd just spun the damn holster! If I'd done that, I wouldn't be in this stupid mess. My body wouldn't be in that coffin.

I do have to admit though, this turn out is amazing. Like look; there's Jenna with baby Tyson [1], Holly J sitting with Fiona and Declan, Sadie comforting Dave, Adam with Katie, Anya near Holly J, holding Owen's hand. Fitz with his new girlfriend, K.C, with that Marisol cheerleader girl, Bianca brought RonRon, Jake on his own, Connor's with Mr and Mrs Simpson, Wesley near by with his parents and Mr Betenkamp, Heather Poulette, Johnny and Mo are in the back with Imogen Moreno with her childish cat ears [2] near by. Most of these people, I didn't think would show up.

I always wanted to be the centre of attention.. But not like this. I never once imagined it with a corpse. Not one single time.

As the preacher starts his speech about my short lived life, he promises my parents that I will end up in Heaven, even though I took my own life. I go into the sea of faces I used to recognize, my friends and family, brought together by something so tragic, memories fill my mind.

The last two weeks, I spent most of my time following mom and Clare. Clare sat in the school yard of Degrassi a lot, where the flag never raises past half, looking at pictures from Vegas Night and Spring Fling. When she's home, she's digging through the falling apart box containing our memories, both crying and laughing; our four years of friendship pulling at her heart strings.

Mom cries a lot. I want so bad to comfort her but every time I try, it's like she knows and just cries harder. The yellow flowers that fill our basement where I took my life don't help to comfort her either. After saying thank you and closing the door on the givers, she mutters "Yellow is NOT Alliah's colour, it's pink, you morons." I know she's just angry about how life played out but it still shocks me to hear those words escape my uptight mother's mouth. 

* * *

_Yellow carnations and roses galore_  
_Were sent to the mother and_  
_Placed by the door_  
_And in the spot where her daughter had_  
_Taken her life_  
_Was a sweet sixteen photo_  
_On homecoming night_  
_Push 'em back, push 'em back_  
_Way back, way back_  
_B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E_

* * *

A few times I've found Savtaj sitting in my room on the floor, just staring at the pitiful wall. He dropped out of the University the monday after I was pronounced dead. His professors understood his reasoning and invited him back next semester. He politely said he'd think about it and went on his way. He had better go back, I'll push him back there from my grave if I have to. He worked so hard to convince Dad to let him go to University for music. Now I'm off topic! Ugh, okay, back to what I saw. When he got home, the first thing he did was send Holly J a ten page email blaming himself. They emailed back and forth all day everyday until she got home from Yale three days ago for the funeral. She hadn't left his side until late this morning so he could get ready. They would have been cute together. Really cute. Mom and Dad even approved of her.

Drew stayed in bed, unable to cope with the loss of love around anyone. Even Adam was shunned out. Mrs. Torres never did like me, but she understood her eldest son's pain. Three times a day, she would bring him plates of food, then hours after delivery, she would come back to take away the empty plates. The night after Holly J arrived in Canada, Drew finally got out of his sheets in the middle of the night for a shower. Adam was still up in his doing so; listening to his brother cry for his dead girlfriend in the scolding hot shower. Then Drew opened the door, his younger brother pulled him into a strong hug and let him cry on his shoulder. "I don''t ant to be alone anymore, Adam, please." They both slept in Adam's room that night.

Eli was distant. I mean, his body was there, but he was so shaken up that his spirit was better off with me. CeCe and Bullfrog kept an eye on him. Although he and I weren't the closest, he was the most taken aback by the tragedy. I believe it was because it brought back memories of losing Julia.. But I could be wrong. 

* * *

_And the death of a cheerleader_  
_Takes me by surprise_  
_How the death of a cheerleader_  
_Can open eyes_  
_And it's sad that she had to die_  
_To open eyes_

* * *

Sitting here today, the looks on everyone's faces. Well, Sadie looks sad, yet almost relieved as if she was scared Dave would have left her for me. His face is puffy like he's been crying for fourteen days, since the Saturday... Since my parents announced it to the city of Toronto. Katie Matlin, she wrote an article about me for the school paper, her eyes are teary but not crying. Beside her is Adam, whom she's comforting. His eyes are like waterfalls, finally letting go of the tears hes been holding back to keep strong for Drew.

Bee... bianaca... I want to say she's only here for the food my parents granted free for my friends, and that those are fake tears, but I don't want to be disrespectful, even if it is my own funeral. But RonRon on the other hand, I know he's only here for the free food. K.C. The memories I have with him. I never would have believed it if someone told me he would cheat of Jenna Middleton with Marisol Lewis, especially after they had Tyson.

Speaking of Jenna, how on Earth can she see? Her eyes are so swollen and bloodshot, she for sure has been crying more than anyone else has in the past few days. It's probably because Tyson has been asking about Aunty Alli.

I really don't know why that Imogen girl came. I'm flatter, even though she's probably only here to spy on Eli and Clare. Holly J flew home with Fiona and Declan to come to the fiuneral with Sav and Anya, who coincidently brought Owen along. All five of them look sad. Truthfully, I was never close to any of them. Fitz was dragged along by his new girlfriend who haad never been to a funeral before, but he mostly felt guilty for being the owner of the gun that killed me.

Jake came along with his dad and new stepmom, who is *cue gasp* Helen Edwards, I mean Martin, who's there for Clare, even though it's Mr Edwards week. Connor and Wesley are sitting with Mr Simpson, his wife, their son Jack, Wesley's parents and Mr Betenkamp. Standing in the back, paying her respects is Heather Poulette. Next to her is Mo, an old friend of Sav's there to tell him he's sorry for his loss. Leaning against the wall next to the door, is Johnny, who arrived late, with a tissue in hand. Looking at everyone from my life, realizing they're all here for me, makes tears sting my eyes while I remember my short time with them.

I regret playing and suggesting Russian Roulette, but it's too late to go back now. I'm stuck here. So though I regret it, I wouldn't take it back if the opportunity came along. 

* * *

_Nobody doubted her future was vast_  
_Nobody noticed she grew up so fast_  
_It's a shame that her future's a thing of the past_  
_Tomorrow's the funeral you know_  
_L-E-T-S-G-O_

* * *

"Now we lay to rest Alliah, Alli, Bhandari, in this hole, placed in God's reach from in the Heaven's above. Please Lord, please take Alliah's unguarded soul and protect her as your child." Everything became white; my family and friends disappeared before my eyes, leaving me alone on a cloud[3]. Looking around, I instantly miss the look of Drew's perfect skin, Clares perfect curls, Eli's dark clothes, Jenna's warm smile, Dave's charm, Adam's dimples, Ty's stinky diapers, and even Sadie's glare. But mostly, I miss my mom's hugs, my dad's embrace, and Savtaj's brotherly eyerolls.

Remember me please, as when you join me in Heaven, I'll remember you. You may not know my face, but my name is more then enough. Just think of me if you need to hear my voice, I'll be right here, I promise.

My name is Alliah Bhandari. Call me Alli. I'm 17 years old. I always will be. Today, my body was laid to rest, my soul ventured into Heaven. It's beautiful here. James Tiberius Yorke will welcome onto our Degrassi Cloud of the Sadly Deceased. Don't come too soon. Someone, other than Eli, Drew and Adam, please watch out for Clare. Be there for her. She needs the support. She's strong, but she's not that strong. Remember, I love you all. 

* * *

AN* Okay, One more chapter. I won't be posted for like 3 weeks, I'm trying to find a job, but I will start to work on it. I hope you enjoyed this, my pretties. I do recommend you listen to Death Of A Cheerleader, by marcy Playground. It's based off a true event.

* * *

[1] Let's pretend Tyson didn't get put up for adoption...  
[2] I love Imogen's cat ears, but Alli wrote this, not me.  
[3] I imagine Heaven is a cloud...


End file.
